[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
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Yup
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…