[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
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Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
who did the taste test?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..