My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”