*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.