[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
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I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.