*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
You Might Also Like
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.