Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*updates tinder bio*
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.