*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.