*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.