*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*