[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
💁🏻♂️
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.