[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
adam and eve had first world problems
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
i really liked this one
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon