[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
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Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*offers Batman cough drops*
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I think I’ll stand
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
repaired
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?