[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*