[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
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My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
This makes total sense…
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?