Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Not my job 😂
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,