@RitleySammich: Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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@LaziestCanine: Homeless man: Change please Me: sorry dude I don't have any money on me Homeless man: No, change...That outfit is hideous
@bornmiserable: My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
@weinerdog4life: If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
@JohnLyonTweets: My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.