Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
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New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
The prophecy is fulfilled
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.