Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
not seeing the problem
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.