[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Not all heroes wear capes…