[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
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won’t smith
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.