[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
You Might Also Like
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW