Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
ok this is my dumbest yet
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…