Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Real House Wines.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.