Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
huge if true: the moon
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.