Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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Yep.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I’m not proud
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.