PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me irl
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.