PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you