Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.