Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
You Might Also Like
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.