Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.