PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Simple
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.