@WheelTod: "Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day
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@Book_Krazy: [Couples Therapy] HER: He keeps pretending he's a doctor. This relationship is dead HIM: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:26 ME: OMG SEE!
@birbigs: Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you'll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?
@iAmDelFreaky: In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
@SteveSuckington: The average person eats 8 spiders a year *eating 2nd bowl of spiders* "WHO'S AVERAGE NOW DAD?"