@WheelTod: "Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day
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@loudmouth_usa: Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything? Me: I'm just thirsty Him: What do you want? Me: Six tacos and a burrito
@danozzi: When brands use cool words like "bae" on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
@theshamingofjay: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs
@stephanidek: Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too