@WheelTod: "Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day
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@TimmySeiler: Waitress says "Say when" when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
@Alex_Houseof308: [During sex] *Knock on the door* Woman: Shit! It's my boyfriend Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do? Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick! Man: Okay, smart. Let me just...wait... Woman: What? Man: Karen, I'm your husband!
@WheelTod: Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief