Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
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I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.