6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Well, this explains it:
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.