@WheelTod: "Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day
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@iGreenMonk: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
@RitleySammich: I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
@samiam604: *on my deathbed* *groggy, dazed, & delirious* Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me? Wife: Honey, what's a TC? Me: *pulls plug*
@thepunningman: CEO: It's got wheels Inventor: It's the best we could do CEO: You had 30 yrs I: CEO: Put "may not hover" on the box and get out of my sight