“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
im 7 sauces long
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I beg your pardon?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee