Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Chicken bread
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’