Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Mad Max Arctic Road
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something