@ibid78: "Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?"-Steve, shitty pencil magician
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@BBQJones28: When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking "they're just keeping me to themselves"
@usermcuserface: My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
@WildeThingy: [electric chair] "Any requests for your final minutes?" "Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained." *acquitted on a technicality
@T_Bonezzz_: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: Know why I pulled u over C: Stop that M: Stop that C: Wanna go to jail? M: Wanna go to jail? C: No.. errr