So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
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#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”