my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
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dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.