Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.