Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel