Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.