The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I already tried new things thanks.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date