Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.