[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
You Might Also Like
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My dad teaching me to drive
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.