[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
never compromise your values
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS