I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
handsome & gretel
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok