[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
You Might Also Like
what kind of cook setting is this??
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Was it something I said?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Check out the legs on this baby
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
seems fine
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot