[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
You Might Also Like
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat