*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.