Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Breaking news:
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery